I wonder why when one recognizes that a man is dying metres away, there can still be alternative response beside trying one's very best to help immediately. This is definitely common sense. The receptionist's reaction, from a psychoanalytical point of view, can be explained in three ways. One is he was not psychollogically prepared for such rare accidents. But this is rather unconvincing as common sense works best at time of emergency and the receptionist should have been trained to handle emergency situations like this. The second possible reason is the receptionist has a couldn't-care-less attitude.

The third explanation is the receptionist was sober at that time. He also had the intention to help. But he was (perhaps still is) hesitating whether he should play out of the guideline which doesn't provide any info on how to deal with such emergency cases. What a shame. We are flexible creatures, both physically and mentally. We are not robots which act on programmes designed by someone else. Guidelines are useful in telling one the about the general info of an organization and how they are supposed to behave.  They are of little use for handling emergency. As not many can remain calm at emergency. it's impossible that one can recall relevent guidelines, if there is any. in seconds. So this is why we say reflexes conditioned for dealing with emergency and flexibility are more important. Accidents can happen anywhere. There can never be a complete set of guidelines covering every possible case. 

I think I am weakest in vocabulary, which is the building block of every language. Honestly, I am always hindered by simple grammatical problems and I need to refer to dictionary from time to time, even though I  have restrained hard from doing so. But writing diary is the easiest as well as the most convenient way to keep me produce passages everyday. It's really a dilemma for me.  

To me, happiness is like a glass prism. When you look through a prism, you may see the objects on its another side as it is transparent. But due to its glass properties, light may also be reflected in your eyes so you see the things around you other than those in front. If you turn it a bit or if you view it from a different angle, what you see changes accordingly. Life is the same. We might be frustrated and get lost sometimes. But if we change our way of thinking a bit, channel more energy to the people around us, spending more time with our families, our precious friends and take a deep breath amidst the colorful flowers, the BEAUTY and LOVELINESS of our lives will be REFLECTED to us through a prism called HAPPINESS.

I have never thought about a dream which could be so impressive that it keeps echoing in my mind the who day after.

The dream was magnificent, in a way that stunned every human. In the dream I saw stars in the sky - It surely doesn't sound special, or powerful as what I have described. But what if billions, or even trillions of stars come together, distributing themselves across the void of space and winking at the same time? It must be a very touching scenery: sitting below the richly-coloured starlight and admiring the beauty of the nature.

In the dream, I lied on the lawn in a park, staring into the empty space quietly. My family and my friends were also there. We waited and waited until the Milky Way surfaced. It was dim at first. When its two wings started to glow, and the light was gradually dispersed through its who surface, the scene was just beyond the description of words... A walk among these gigantic celestial body is really a thrilling trip.

Everything is just going too fast. Day by day and night by night, the people around me is changing, in every sense of the word.

Despite my intense desire to wrap up my revision on physics within 3 days, I failed to do so even though I had buried myself in the bks, almost non-stop, for days. This is a lesson on "limitations of human abilities". But in one sense my struggles within these few days is rewarding: I have spot my handicaps in particular subjects so that I now have a better idea of what I am going to improve. Finally I have got my beacon.

My parents rejoiced at the visit given by one of my old friends in primary school. With an eight-year interval not meeting each other, my parents were thrilled by my friend's sudden appearance. There was a tinge of distance, both in time and space, when I saw my parents talking to my friend. Time elapses fast when you are not aware of it. The fragment of memory on yesterday revives the whole picture of one's fast.

The world is confusing and in one sense, fathomless. The interwining of the physical world and human spiritual utopia forms a kaleidoscope in which we, the mundane and worldly lots, can never hold an eternal and unbreakable belief. When we are small, we once believe we can live with our beloved ones, our parents, our best friends and our dear toys. What happen then? All of them, as time goes by, leave us gradually and some, lucky enough, remain in our precious and abiding memory; People who, for their first time, taste the sweet berries of love always think there is something called long-lasting. What is the frequent ending for them ? Couples, except those who are able to get through extreme adverse conditions hand in hand, break up one by one, usually because of petty, avoidable quarrels, common inconsideration and all other practical factors. Where are their so-called "eternal vows"?

In sight of all these sufferings, there comes Buddhism which emphasize on

liberation through special spiritual practices. However, not many people can realize they are driven by the endless cycles of sufferings. For those who can see this through, it is always hard for them to give away all they possess in the practical world. Indeed, only those who experience appalling human tragedies and completely lose interest to the human world can devote themselves to buddhism.

So what cause this unpleasing yet undeniable fact?

The changeable nature of man's mind. We are made up of, as what have been long recognized, physical and spiritual part. Changes in the natural part of the world, in human relationships and in people's thoughts towards the universe's structure,  origin and connection with human beings.

I am experiencing the same thing now. 

Leaving my blog unattended for a day, I feel sry for it.

At the same time, I am sry for my friend, who continuously support me when I was in prolonged depression, for my unwillingness to face the reality. I was too confused and lost at that time as there were too many things, doubts, deductions, frustration and indetermination pouring onto me. When all senses were gone, I resorted to returning to the isolated, self-centered world within myself. What I believed at that time was: Only there I could find a bit of security and restfulness.

However, after confusing, struggling and reading for days, I have been refreshed, with new realization, enlightenment, resolution and new purpose of living. However, perhaps this is due to my incomplete realization or lacking chance of applying my new knowledge, I sometimes still think of the sad things happening these two months, and when I do so, usu. at night, I will feel very hopeless and bad. This means: I am still not stable.

But this is not a pathological as I know myself quite clearly. I would rather see it as a stage of growth- what I now dun understand or am puzzled about, perhaps I will understand them later.

One may wonder what have caused me to change so acutely and quickly within few days. Frankly speaking, these few days were not easy at all. I struggled a lot. At the beginning, I tried to solve the problem by myself. When I found this was impossible, I resorted to talking to fds. However, my bad feeling swelled quickly after I hung up. Then I started shifting my focus onto reading - reading the books about buddhism I bought at a book fair. It healed me for a night. But crisis came when I found I was made more pessimistic after learning buddhism- perhaps I am just too inexperienced to assimilate it- I found myself being bounded by it. Luckily, someones saved me from this mental crisis by showing me an powerpoint showing an enlightening story about shared happiness and love. I was stunned by the dedication of the seriously ill man in the story, who still wanted to encourage his roomate in the same ward, who could only lie flat on his bed. Although the man was blind, which is revealed at the end of the story, he pretended he could look out the only window of the ward, and depicted to his roomate the outside picturesque scenery he saw with descriptive words. Day by day and month by month, the man who could only lie on his bed lived for the conversation with the blind man. One day, when the nurse arrived and bring water for their baths, she found the blind man lying lifelessly yet peacefully on his bed. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take him away. As soon as it was appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved to next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the change and then she left him alone. The man propped himself up with all his strength and looked out the window which his deceased roomate used to peer through. He found the window faced only a blank wall. He asked the nurse what kept his roomate make up stories for him everyday. The nurse told the man of his roomate's blindness "I think he just wanted to encourage you." she added.

Such a beautiful story. "Today is a gift, that is why it is called the Present", "Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled"

From now on, think of the things you have which money cannot buy and understand there is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite OUR OWN SITUATION. Let's say:"Love can finally prevail in the world."

This summer is very different from the last summer, in my attitude towards my quest for friendships and my feelings.

I truely believe friendship can be acquired only if you are willingly to show honesty, friendliness, helpfulness and eagerness to those whom u want to make friend with. Then I was rewarded by meeting a lot of "friends" and creating my first "community". At that moment I really believed in my "friends-making theory" and this notion was repeatedly strengthened and intensified. (At the time I was too happy that I sometimes really doubted if I was dreaming, as I finally could taste the sweetness of friendships after three-year loneliness.) So that I lived in anticipation and bliss everyday. Whenever I was engaged by other things, I always thought of my "friends" and then smiled sweetly, which can last for minutes sometimes.

My sense of success reached the peak after I arranged a badminton game and invited the majority of my "friends group" by myself. Isn't it comforting for a boy who has been lonely for years to be the "leader" of his friends?

However, things went badly afterwards. Perhaps time is the harshest challenge to any kinds of human relationships. I found my friends were not interested in socializing with me as before and some of them were forming their own groups. I started doubting my golden theory and confusion followed along with doubtness. Dissapointment slowly filled me up. 

I am now feared going to school because I feel nothing but guilty of being unable to do anything at school. I have my own study plan, my own study approach and my own ideal environment for study. I just don't want to be under control, like being deprived of holidays and of my leisure. I wouldn't ask, but just hope that I could have more control over my time.

Even I myself cannot offer any explanation on this: I am a person who can hardly tolerate the values of life, especially the extravagant and immoral ones. I always try as hard as I can to reject the influence of these what I consider as spiritual pollutions(actually, I have been doing this since I have little understanding of the outside world). Owing to this, I always has a abiding hatred toward these values and later, towards the people who adopt these values. Initially, I would try keeping myself away from particular individual. Then I would convince myself I've only "isolated" a guy and there are still many people who would agree with and support me. However, things never live up to my expectations.  As I "blacklist" more and more people, finally wt I've rejecting are not just one or two people, but whole group of people around me. No sooner when I realize this, fear sinks in as I find that I have really become, in one sense, the isolated one.