There are reasons for having not written diary for days. The first, obviously, is that I need to catch up with my revision process as it is seriously lagging behind my schedule. The second is I've been thinking about if writing diary can really help keep a keen sense of writing. I mean, if there are trainings which are more effective in this respect, why don't i spend more time on them? Although writing diary is a relaxing and therapeutic activity, it takes a lot of time for I to write just one paragraph. The worst is the products are usually of low quality despite my effort.

I think I am weakest in vocabulary, which is the building block of every language. Honestly, I am always hindered by simple grammatical problems and I need to refer to dictionary from time to time, even though I  have restrained hard from doing so. But writing diary is the easiest as well as the most convenient way to keep me produce passages everyday. It's really a dilemma for me.  

Happiness, a necessity to man, has been thought about and sought for by every individual in the human history. Its importance to human life is beyond doubt and has been repeatedly proved by poems, prose, autobiography and  thousands of real stories. From cradle to grave, we are on a journey of exploring the meaning of happiness. The most common question is: If happiness is visible, what is it like?

To me, happiness is like a glass prism. When you look through a prism, you may see the objects on its another side as it is transparent. But due to its glass properties, light may also be reflected in your eyes so you see the things around you other than those in front. If you turn it a bit or if you view it from a different angle, what you see changes accordingly. Life is the same. We might be frustrated and get lost sometimes. But if we change our way of thinking a bit, channel more energy to the people around us, spending more time with our families, our precious friends and take a deep breath amidst the colorful flowers, the BEAUTY and LOVELINESS of our lives will be REFLECTED to us through a prism called HAPPINESS.

The nicest thing will happen to you when u least expect them.

I have never thought about a dream which could be so impressive that it keeps echoing in my mind the who day after.

The dream was magnificent, in a way that stunned every human. In the dream I saw stars in the sky - It surely doesn't sound special, or powerful as what I have described. But what if billions, or even trillions of stars come together, distributing themselves across the void of space and winking at the same time? It must be a very touching scenery: sitting below the richly-coloured starlight and admiring the beauty of the nature.

In the dream, I lied on the lawn in a park, staring into the empty space quietly. My family and my friends were also there. We waited and waited until the Milky Way surfaced. It was dim at first. When its two wings started to glow, and the light was gradually dispersed through its who surface, the scene was just beyond the description of words... A walk among these gigantic celestial body is really a thrilling trip.

There is not much time for reflection these days as things are pouring on me like a collapsing mountain.

Everything is just going too fast. Day by day and night by night, the people around me is changing, in every sense of the word.

Realizing there is only 1 month left before the beginning of F.7, I accelerate my revision progress.

Despite my intense desire to wrap up my revision on physics within 3 days, I failed to do so even though I had buried myself in the bks, almost non-stop, for days. This is a lesson on "limitations of human abilities". But in one sense my struggles within these few days is rewarding: I have spot my handicaps in particular subjects so that I now have a better idea of what I am going to improve. Finally I have got my beacon.

My parents rejoiced at the visit given by one of my old friends in primary school. With an eight-year interval not meeting each other, my parents were thrilled by my friend's sudden appearance. There was a tinge of distance, both in time and space, when I saw my parents talking to my friend. Time elapses fast when you are not aware of it. The fragment of memory on yesterday revives the whole picture of one's fast.

Sometimes I really want to give up and let go of everything I have been struggling for.

The world is confusing and in one sense, fathomless. The interwining of the physical world and human spiritual utopia forms a kaleidoscope in which we, the mundane and worldly lots, can never hold an eternal and unbreakable belief. When we are small, we once believe we can live with our beloved ones, our parents, our best friends and our dear toys. What happen then? All of them, as time goes by, leave us gradually and some, lucky enough, remain in our precious and abiding memory; People who, for their first time, taste the sweet berries of love always think there is something called long-lasting. What is the frequent ending for them ? Couples, except those who are able to get through extreme adverse conditions hand in hand, break up one by one, usually because of petty, avoidable quarrels, common inconsideration and all other practical factors. Where are their so-called "eternal vows"?

In sight of all these sufferings, there comes Buddhism which emphasize on

liberation through special spiritual practices. However, not many people can realize they are driven by the endless cycles of sufferings. For those who can see this through, it is always hard for them to give away all they possess in the practical world. Indeed, only those who experience appalling human tragedies and completely lose interest to the human world can devote themselves to buddhism.

The voyage of life is like a labyrinth, in which we keep turning around corners, doubting ourselves and encountering failures. Then we usually want to give up. However, don't forget there are companions, who are also seeking the exit of this labyrinth, soothe and support you at critical moments. So, treasure them as they are your light in darkness.

I've realized today, despite how firm human's faith is at a particular instance, it will be eroded by our encounters along with doubts arisen gradually, like the invisible invasion of evilness into one's conscience.

So what cause this unpleasing yet undeniable fact?

The changeable nature of man's mind. We are made up of, as what have been long recognized, physical and spiritual part. Changes in the natural part of the world, in human relationships and in people's thoughts towards the universe's structure,  origin and connection with human beings.

I am experiencing the same thing now. 

Leaving my blog unattended for a day, I feel sry for it.

At the same time, I am sry for my friend, who continuously support me when I was in prolonged depression, for my unwillingness to face the reality. I was too confused and lost at that time as there were too many things, doubts, deductions, frustration and indetermination pouring onto me. When all senses were gone, I resorted to returning to the isolated, self-centered world within myself. What I believed at that time was: Only there I could find a bit of security and restfulness.

However, after confusing, struggling and reading for days, I have been refreshed, with new realization, enlightenment, resolution and new purpose of living. However, perhaps this is due to my incomplete realization or lacking chance of applying my new knowledge, I sometimes still think of the sad things happening these two months, and when I do so, usu. at night, I will feel very hopeless and bad. This means: I am still not stable.

But this is not a pathological as I know myself quite clearly. I would rather see it as a stage of growth- what I now dun understand or am puzzled about, perhaps I will understand them later.

One may wonder what have caused me to change so acutely and quickly within few days. Frankly speaking, these few days were not easy at all. I struggled a lot. At the beginning, I tried to solve the problem by myself. When I found this was impossible, I resorted to talking to fds. However, my bad feeling swelled quickly after I hung up. Then I started shifting my focus onto reading - reading the books about buddhism I bought at a book fair. It healed me for a night. But crisis came when I found I was made more pessimistic after learning buddhism- perhaps I am just too inexperienced to assimilate it- I found myself being bounded by it. Luckily, someones saved me from this mental crisis by showing me an powerpoint showing an enlightening story about shared happiness and love. I was stunned by the dedication of the seriously ill man in the story, who still wanted to encourage his roomate in the same ward, who could only lie flat on his bed. Although the man was blind, which is revealed at the end of the story, he pretended he could look out the only window of the ward, and depicted to his roomate the outside picturesque scenery he saw with descriptive words. Day by day and month by month, the man who could only lie on his bed lived for the conversation with the blind man. One day, when the nurse arrived and bring water for their baths, she found the blind man lying lifelessly yet peacefully on his bed. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take him away. As soon as it was appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved to next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the change and then she left him alone. The man propped himself up with all his strength and looked out the window which his deceased roomate used to peer through. He found the window faced only a blank wall. He asked the nurse what kept his roomate make up stories for him everyday. The nurse told the man of his roomate's blindness "I think he just wanted to encourage you." she added.

Such a beautiful story. "Today is a gift, that is why it is called the Present", "Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled"

From now on, think of the things you have which money cannot buy and understand there is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite OUR OWN SITUATION. Let's say:"Love can finally prevail in the world."

Waken up by rain drops, I am reminded of the arrival of summer, and the my times of last summer, which was once considered as the happiest and most meaningful time.

This summer is very different from the last summer, in my attitude towards my quest for friendships and my feelings.

I truely believe friendship can be acquired only if you are willingly to show honesty, friendliness, helpfulness and eagerness to those whom u want to make friend with. Then I was rewarded by meeting a lot of "friends" and creating my first "community". At that moment I really believed in my "friends-making theory" and this notion was repeatedly strengthened and intensified. (At the time I was too happy that I sometimes really doubted if I was dreaming, as I finally could taste the sweetness of friendships after three-year loneliness.) So that I lived in anticipation and bliss everyday. Whenever I was engaged by other things, I always thought of my "friends" and then smiled sweetly, which can last for minutes sometimes.

My sense of success reached the peak after I arranged a badminton game and invited the majority of my "friends group" by myself. Isn't it comforting for a boy who has been lonely for years to be the "leader" of his friends?

However, things went badly afterwards. Perhaps time is the harshest challenge to any kinds of human relationships. I found my friends were not interested in socializing with me as before and some of them were forming their own groups. I started doubting my golden theory and confusion followed along with doubtness. Dissapointment slowly filled me up. 

I used to believe I were more lucky than others at any time in encountering less problem in study, having a warmer family, living in a friendlier house and being a more sensible individual. However, things are not, and have never been going as I expect. Low self-esteem, bad-tempered and inability in absorbing new knowledge fast.